May 27, 2003 1:26
Today this blog is one month old. Tomorrow we're off
to Paris until June 11th. Don't go away.
May 26, 2003 11:15
AUGUSTINE INTERVIEW 4: Saddam - Part One
May 26, 2003 1:51
Good news on the horizon: my ability to tightrope
walk the invisible wobbly line between time and space has allowed me to reach
the moustachioed beast himself.
May 23, 2003 5:15
due to N's prodding me to attach more gimmicks to this blog.
She's got a new Guestbook which
flashes ads at the top of the page but it was free so she compromised
her anti-ad principles. Typical. I never compromise but then
being two-dimensional I don't have to. She sneaked behind my
back and inserted a Counter at the foot of this page so I could
gloat at my many hits, or despair at the lack of them. I have
now deleted, disowned, spat and stamped upon this seductively
evil gimmick. First of all it was slowing down logging in to
my own page. And secondly, do I
really need to reinforce both self-esteem and insecurity? Life
does that more effectively than
Counters, even for two-dimensional creatures.
Speaking of compromise:
a discussion about compromise in relationships is going
on at Caterina's (N's
2 cents are there) and simultaneously at How
To Save the World. What do I think about compromise?
See above. Today Dave Pollard brings up another interesting topic: regrets.
Je ne regrette rien, moi.
May 20, 5:58 PM
I'm getting restless. Too much trivia. Need something
to sink my teeth into. I'll request an interview with a monster - how about
Saddam? I'll make him an offer he can't refuse: five minutes of fame on my
blog, anonymity guaranteed. When I tell him Dubya and Tony and Vincent accepted,
he's sure to say yes. Well, judging by Sad's taste in art he won't be impressed
by Vincent - did you see what he had on the walls of his palaces? Never mind
that now. Must get my antennae vibrating and locate the master villain.
May 18, 2003 4:16
KLAATU BARADA NICTO! This
is my new slogan, motto, mantra, thanks to Chris Gulker today. I have to
meet thisKlaatu. We are meant for each other.
"I'm impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live without
The magic Klaatu phrase is spoken by an earth woman, trusting her instincts,
in the 1951 movie The Day the Earth Stood Still. It stops the destruction
of the earth. What are we waiting for?
I notice that I'm beginning to get into BlogThink,
as in: h'mm, that thought is blog material - just rephrase it a bit and it
can go in tonight's edition. I can't stop it. Walking along the street, getting
into a bus or in the bath, my brain is churning out potential blogstuff.
I think it must be the start of blogging addiction. The fact that there is
this little soapbox, this mini-stage waiting for me, the audience shifting
in their seats, my name lighting up as they click on it and then.........
Klaatu Barada Nicto! My performance begins. Will I shine today? Will I flop?You
must admit it's addictive. Even if there are only one or two people in your
audience. Or none. You're still pirouetting in front of the world, that vast
Out There so different from your In Here. N says blogging is for show-offs.
So? Like she doesn't spend her life strutting her stuff one way or another?
We are all show-offs. We all want to leave our graffiti on the wall of time.
Wow! Do I hear applause or is that the tap dripping? Klaatu Barada Nicto.
17, 2003 7:12 PM
It's all gone totally haywire.This page looks
much too wide now when it's out there though it 's perfect here at home.
I'm tweaking and snipping and chopping but nothing gets it back to its proper
shape. Aaargh! Why did I have to give in to the rules? Why the hell can't
there be just one browser type? Why must we have choice? Who needs choice?
Let's just have one excellent example of every thing and be done with it.
This is not a popular view but I don't care, naaah. Take browsers for instance.
If all the browser-makers in the world got together and said, let's design
and together build the most fantastic, perfect, beautiful, efficient all-purpose
browser that could possibly exist and which everyone can use and which remains
the same anywhere you look at it - wouldn't that be a wonderful thing? I
hear voices shouting No! It wouldn't! Because there'd be no competition.
And competition is what our great society is built on.
No further comment today. I'm going to lie down.
Well, I've grudgingly obeyed the blogging rule of putting
last posts first. Now everything's wrong and will anyone bother to scroll
down and start from the bottom, which you must do if you want to know who
I am and more importantly, what I am? If anybody's here, do it now.
I entreat you.
I almost lost all my careful layout during the reconstruction. Edit, cut,
paste. Yeah, right. But things vanish and, like reincarnation, things don't
return in the same shape. Must calm down and adjust to this new environment.
I need to laugh. Something I discovered on the Mousetrap made
me fall off my swivel chair. Un-edited and uncensored statements by children
from a Catholic elementary school. Here's just a sample. Go read the rest.
epistles were the wives of the apostles."
" Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
" The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple."
" When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus
in the manager."
" St.Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage."
" The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
15, 2003 7:16 PM
My friend Philip, very sharp philosopher, points me
to an article by Gavin Esler in today's Independent, The
danger of this infantile anti-Americanism . Does
he mean me?? I reply both to Philip and The Independent that I'm not guilty.
OK, maybe infantile but not anti-American. After all, we were more or less
raised in the U.S.A, me and N. I love Americans - just not the stereotypes.
Alas, they do exist! And the Americans I love don't love the stereotypicals
any more than I do. Which
gives me an idea: the Good Guys/Bad Guys view of the universe - a view held
by millions in every country- could be represented by rubber masks. Like
that wonderful BBC plug for the BBC where people such as John Simpson tear
off their faces to reveal other people's faces
underneath. Here's what we do. We make rubber masks of the following stereotypes:
Good American/ Bad American
Good British/Bad British
Good Irish/Bad Irish
Good French/ Bad French
Good German/Bad German
Good Italian/Bad Italian
Good Arab/Bad Arab
Good Muslim/Bad Muslim
Good Jew/Bad Jew
Good Christian/Bad Christian
Good male/Bad male
Good woman/Bad woman
See?You've got pictures in your mind already.That's
by no means the complete list but it'll do for a start The game goes like
this: everybody takes turns at wearing the Good and the Bad masks and they've
got to play each stereotype convincingly, so convincingly that they convince
themselves they really are this character, even if it's the opposite of how
they normally think and behave. That's it. That's the game. You'll just have
to imagine its ramifications and the subsequent improvement in international
14, 2003 9:04 PM
I had an idea about How
To Achieve World Peace In Seven Easy Steps
An advertisement goes out on the internet and all other
media globally, saying something like:
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME A WORLD CLASS
CAN YOU PROVE IT TO A LIVE AUDIENCE?
CAN YOU COMPETE WITH OTHERS FOR THE POSITION OF MEMBER OF A WORLD PEACE PARLIAMENT?
Auditions are now being held at.....(time & place).
A reality show is organized. Auditions are held in
public, online and on TV in every country. Contestants present their credentials,
life-experience and ideas. They do not, repeat NOT, need to be experts,
politicians, megalomaniacs, fanatics or celebrities. The audience votes them
in, or not, after having heard them.
The winning contestants are
appointed Members of World Peace Parliament Number One and show up for work
next day at the selected location. They receive only travelling expenses
plus board and lodging for the duration of the session. They do not leave
the premises until the WPPNO adjourns.
Every day of the
WPPNO is televised, published on the internet and broadcast in all languages.
The public can send in questions and suggestions at all times. Discussions
are held around a large round table. Lego bricks, drawing paper and crayons
A list is drawn up of all current conflicts in the
world. Each MP makes their own list.
After voting to determine
which conflict should be resolved first, the MPs put forward their solutions
and proposals. Brainstorming sessions
continue as long as it takes.
The WPPNO finds solutions to all conflicts
on the list, one at a time. The solutions are transmitted to the relevant
governments for implementation. Nobody refuses to implement them since they
are irrefutably appropriate, feasible and brilliant and besides, the whole
world is watching this show. Peace on earth reigns. WPPNO is adjourned and
the contestants go home. WPP Number Two
is set up with new contestants, just in case new conflicts arise in future.
saw it here first!
13, 2003 6:40 PM
Arguing with N again. Alter-ego squabbling is worse
than marital warfare. We have been known to throw crockery and not glue it
back together again. She says I have no knowledge of current affairs or politics
or the complexities of global interactions so how do I dare put my two cents
in. I say I can put in two cents and even two million and there's nothing
she can do to stop me. She says she can stop me by tearing up every single
drawing of my stupid face and also switching off the computer. I say heh-heh
I know how to turn on the computer and I can use the mouse to recreate myself.
And so on it goes. But don't worry, I'm still here. I can't help it if my
mind swoops and dives in so many directions, seeing so many links and patterns.
That's what makes me so, imho, geniusish, whereas N plods along slavishly
consulting 'experts' before venturing an opinion. Bah! What's an expert?
Just somebody convinced they're right. But that's only their opinion. I'm
an expert so I should know.
12, 2003 12:55 AM
THE AUGUSTINE INTERVIEW 3: Tony (now
on new page)
May 9, 2003 7:28 PM
No sleep at all. Worried about Dubya's head: Is
it all there? Does it need examining? Did I endanger myself by picking up
its thoughtwaves? What if they're contagious? Do I need to build up my immune
system? It says here - Independent Review
section, May 5 - that Dr. Perricone
advises eating salmon every day. Apparently it keeps Julia Roberts and J-Lo
(whoever they are) young and beautiful though they're actually octogenarians.
Just kidding. Being two-dimensional, I am going to stay young and beautiful
forever with or without salmon. I can't guarantee the same for N, heh-heh.
Time, for those bodies who are subject to it, increases width as it diminishes
height. Whereas all I have to worry about is how to get the width and height
of these pages to stay put - they keep on changing!
8, 2003 1:43 PM
Is modesty necessary in Blogworld? People use IMHO
all the time but do they mean it? Does anyone ever have a humble opinion?
All my opinions are - what's the opposite of humble? Arrogant? Boastful?
Moi? Never. Just non-humble. What this is leading up to is: Chris
Gulker , in his blog yesterday, again pointed
out my greatness. And I'm advertising the fact here because, imho, he is
right. Not just concerning me of course. The techie stuff he writes about
mostly goes over my head but his comments and links on the state of the world
are my cup of coffee. Now I'm being nagged by N who says that I'm digressing
and that I should have a plan, a purpose for this blog. Typical. But she
may have a point.
I think I'll arrange some more interviews. 6:20 PM : George W.and Tony have
agreed to let me ask them about God.
INTERVIEW 2: Dubya (now
on new page)
May 7, 2003
N says I haven't got
the hang of this blogging business. She says it's supposed to be interactive
so other bloggers can make comments and then you comment on their comments
and so forth. But that's chatting and I don't do interactive chat. What I
do most of the time is chat to myself. Well doesn't everybody? I thought
that blogging was like talking to yourself in public. And that you choose
to read those bloggers who are most similar to yourself or who have parallel
views and interests. I don't know if that's true. I haven't begun to explore
Blogworld yet. Should I set out on such a journey, equivalent to sailing
round the world single handed in a rowboat? Now if I were interactive this
would not be a rhetorical question. I will ask somebody how to obtain the
thing that makes "Comments" appear at the bottom of your
daily blog followed by "0".
6, 2003 6:51 PM
How's this for synchronicity: In the small hours of
yesterday I wrote
about the usefulness of junk mail. Later in the day in my favourite newspaper The
Independent I beheld Terence
Blacker's column, titled How spam helped me
to meet Yellow Flower, describing the joy of sleazy e-mails and using
the same examples as I do. OK, it's a coincidence but serendipitous enough
to warrant an e-mail to Terence Blacker saying so. I asked if he'd read Koestler's The
Roots of Coincidence. Today
he replied, saying Should we get in touch with the Koestler Foundation? Tongue
in cheek of course, but off I
go Google-hopping and wouldn't you know, the URL for the Koestler Parapsychology
Unit is: http://moebius.psy.ed.ac.uk/ .
You see, heh-heh, the Moebius strip is my chosen
symbol for the oneness of pastpresentfuture! On the left is the relevant
page from Augustine'sTrue
May 5, 2003 11:35 PM
with this question: How low can you go if you keep on scrolling
down the screen? Do you eventually reach the centre
of the earth? The bottom of the ocean?
hole? Is there a point where it says
CANNOT SCROLL ANY FURTHER? Which
leads me to another question: if you keep linking one thing to
another, do you eventually get back to your first link? Is there
a limit to how many subjects you can link? How many years would
one person need to spend surfing the net to link one topic with
every other topic in the universe? And how would you decide which
is the best link out of all possible links?
out-of-focus snap of me and she (I'm on the left) in a rare moment of camaraderie
in her atelier in London. The green wheel is attached to her etching press,
an antiquated machine operated by hand and backstrain to print.... yes, etchings!
You wouldn't catch me using it since I've become adept at blogging and generally
foolingaround on a Mac. Am trying to teach her to move into the 21st century
but she still thinks there's something noble about getting your hands dirty.
She doesn't even like writing e-mail and irrationally hates receiving junk
mail. I find it rather informative. How else would you know that
your penis can be enlarged immeasurably and kept up indefinitely by unlimited
supplies of Viagra while your mortgage can be shrunk to nearly nothing and
you can become a multi-billionaire simply by allowing various African dignitaries
and their relatives to deposit their perfectly legitimate wealth into your
bank account as long as you keep quiet about it? We've had about 30 such
generous offers recently and I would have accepted them all but goodygoody
kill-joy Miss N had to go and report them to something
4, 2003 3:36 PM
INTERVIEW 1: Vincent
you for letting me interview you, Mr. VG. There follows a
short break while I quietly sob.
1, 2003. Worker's Day. 3:12 PM
I'm not a worker, I'm a slave. My struggle is to get her to
become my slave. Some day I will succeed. Great news this morning: I've been
blogged by Chris
Gulker . Instant fame already! In the
dark ages before blogging and the internet this was me.
But now I can relax and let the adulation come. Everyone wants to be noticed
(except spies, assorted wrong-doers etc.) but when people become celebrities,
they want to be left alone! I avoid the problem by remaining nearly famous.
No bodyguards, no doubles, no worries. I can go to the supermarket and not
be mobbed. My autograph is only requested on credit card vouchers. What am
I saying? Alter egos don't have credit cards. Speaking of fame, I sometimes
wonder what my beloved Van Gogh would have done with it had it happened in
his lifetime? H'mm..... Thismight be a good subject to cartoonify. While
you're waiting, read Van
Gogh's letters to his brother Theo.
30, 2003 12:39 PM
It's not easy being me. First of all I'm flat. I don't
see the world as you so-called normal creatures do. I don't move unless
I'm animated. But animation is an illusion. I knowthat I'm only a series
of single frames and it's always NOW - no past, no future.
I discovered that Julian Barbour,
famous physicist, says the same in his brilliant
book The End
of Time .So I sent him my thoughts on this
topic, the booklet Augustine & Time. He graciously replied, inviting
Natalie to visit in Oxfordshire. I had considered illustrating his ideas
my way and was very excited about becoming a cosmologist. But Nmessed things
up as she often does when she doesn't listen to me. She sent him some sample
illustrations, digitalclever stuff. Of course he wasn't impressed and anyway
he's got other things on his mind. So that was the end of Time.
27, 2003 8:09 PM
is Augustine and this is my first blog. I am Natalie's alter
egoist. She demanded that I put her
index on my page to draw attention to herself but you don't have
to be sidetracked unless you want to be. She's the ventriloquist
and I'm the dummy. No! I'm the ventriloquist and she's the
dummy. I intended my blog to be completely separate from her website
and went to Blogger.com to
try and set it up but
you can't upload images on their free Blogspot and without images
I'm invisible. I'm a cartoon character and I usually speak in
bubbles, as is traditional in comics, but in my case it's because
I don't have thoughts unless they are in bubbles. You're reading
my thoughts now only because they're in this rectangular space.
Why should speech bubbles always be round? Natalie believes she
invented me but the truth is I invented her. Can I prove it?
No. But a lot of things which are true can't be proved. And many
things which we know to be false are assumed to be true. René Magritte's painting La
Condition Humaine says it all.