May 27, 2003 1:26 PM

Today this blog is one month old. Tomorrow we're off to Paris until June 11th. Don't go away.

May 26, 2003 11:15 PM

THE AUGUSTINE INTERVIEW 4: Saddam - Part One

May 26, 2003 1:51 PM

Good news on the horizon: my ability to tightrope walk the invisible wobbly line between time and space has allowed me to reach the moustachioed beast himself.

May 23, 2003 5:15 PM

Delay due to N's prodding me to attach more gimmicks to this blog. She's got a new Guestbook which flashes ads at the top of the page but it was free so she compromised her anti-ad principles. Typical. I never compromise but then being two-dimensional I don't have to. She sneaked behind my back and inserted a Counter at the foot of this page so I could gloat at my many hits, or despair at the lack of them. I have now deleted, disowned, spat and stamped upon this seductively evil gimmick. First of all it was slowing down logging in to my own page. And secondly, do I really need to reinforce both self-esteem and insecurity? Life does that more effectively than Counters, even for two-dimensional creatures.
Speaking of compromise: a discussion about compromise in relationships is going on at Caterina's (N's 2 cents are there) and simultaneously at How To Save the World. What do I think about compromise? See above. Today Dave Pollard brings up another interesting topic: regrets. Je ne regrette rien, moi.


May 20, 5:58 PM

I'm getting restless. Too much trivia. Need something to sink my teeth into. I'll request an interview with a monster - how about Saddam? I'll make him an offer he can't refuse: five minutes of fame on my blog, anonymity guaranteed. When I tell him Dubya and Tony and Vincent accepted, he's sure to say yes. Well, judging by Sad's taste in art he won't be impressed by Vincent - did you see what he had on the walls of his palaces? Never mind that now. Must get my antennae vibrating and locate the master villain.

May 18, 2003 4:16 PM

KLAATU BARADA NICTO! This is my new slogan, motto, mantra, thanks to Chris Gulker today. I have to meet thisKlaatu. We are meant for each other.
"I'm impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live without it."
The magic Klaatu phrase is spoken by an earth woman, trusting her instincts, in the 1951 movie The Day the Earth Stood Still. It stops the destruction of the earth. What are we waiting for?

11:18 AM
I notice that I'm beginning to get into BlogThink, as in: h'mm, that thought is blog material - just rephrase it a bit and it can go in tonight's edition. I can't stop it. Walking along the street, getting into a bus or in the bath, my brain is churning out potential blogstuff. I think it must be the start of blogging addiction. The fact that there is this little soapbox, this mini-stage waiting for me, the audience shifting in their seats, my name lighting up as they click on it and then......... Klaatu Barada Nicto! My performance begins. Will I shine today? Will I flop?You must admit it's addictive. Even if there are only one or two people in your audience. Or none. You're still pirouetting in front of the world, that vast Out There so different from your In Here. N says blogging is for show-offs. So? Like she doesn't spend her life strutting her stuff one way or another? We are all show-offs. We all want to leave our graffiti on the wall of time. Wow! Do I hear applause or is that the tap dripping? Klaatu Barada Nicto.

May 17, 2003 7:12 PM

It's all gone totally haywire.This page looks much too wide now when it's out there though it 's perfect here at home. I'm tweaking and snipping and chopping but nothing gets it back to its proper shape. Aaargh! Why did I have to give in to the rules? Why the hell can't there be just one browser type? Why must we have choice? Who needs choice? Let's just have one excellent example of every thing and be done with it. This is not a popular view but I don't care, naaah. Take browsers for instance. If all the browser-makers in the world got together and said, let's design and together build the most fantastic, perfect, beautiful, efficient all-purpose browser that could possibly exist and which everyone can use and which remains the same anywhere you look at it - wouldn't that be a wonderful thing? I hear voices shouting No! It wouldn't! Because there'd be no competition. And competition is what our great society is built on.
No further comment today. I'm going to lie down.

1:41 PM
Well, I've grudgingly obeyed the blogging rule of putting last posts first. Now everything's wrong and will anyone bother to scroll down and start from the bottom, which you must do if you want to know who I am and more importantly, what I am? If anybody's here, do it now. I entreat you.
I almost lost all my careful layout during the reconstruction. Edit, cut, paste. Yeah, right. But things vanish and, like reincarnation, things don't return in the same shape. Must calm down and adjust to this new environment. I need to laugh. Something I discovered on the Mousetrap made me fall off my swivel chair. Un-edited and uncensored statements by children from a Catholic elementary school. Here's just a sample. Go read the rest.

" The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
" Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
" The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple."
" When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager."
" St.Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."
" The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

May 15, 2003 7:16 PM

My friend Philip, very sharp philosopher, points me to an article by Gavin Esler in today's Independent, The danger of this infantile anti-Americanism . Does he mean me?? I reply both to Philip and The Independent that I'm not guilty. OK, maybe infantile but not anti-American. After all, we were more or less raised in the U.S.A, me and N. I love Americans - just not the stereotypes. Alas, they do exist! And the Americans I love don't love the stereotypicals any more than I do. Which gives me an idea: the Good Guys/Bad Guys view of the universe - a view held by millions in every country- could be represented by rubber masks. Like that wonderful BBC plug for the BBC where people such as John Simpson tear off their faces to reveal other people's faces underneath. Here's what we do. We make rubber masks of the following stereotypes:

Good American/ Bad American
Good British/Bad British
Good Irish/Bad Irish
Good French/ Bad French
Good German/Bad German
Good Italian/Bad Italian
Good Arab/Bad Arab
Good Muslim/Bad Muslim
Good Jew/Bad Jew
Good Christian/Bad Christian
Good male/Bad male
Good woman/Bad woman

See?You've got pictures in your mind already.That's by no means the complete list but it'll do for a start The game goes like this: everybody takes turns at wearing the Good and the Bad masks and they've got to play each stereotype convincingly, so convincingly that they convince themselves they really are this character, even if it's the opposite of how they normally think and behave. That's it. That's the game. You'll just have to imagine its ramifications and the subsequent improvement in international understanding.

May 14, 2003 9:04 PM

I had an idea about How To Achieve World Peace In Seven Easy Steps

Step 1
An advertisement goes out on the internet and all other media globally, saying something like:
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME A WORLD CLASS PEACEMAKER?
CAN YOU PROVE IT TO A LIVE AUDIENCE?
CAN YOU COMPETE WITH OTHERS FOR THE POSITION OF MEMBER OF A WORLD PEACE PARLIAMENT?
Auditions are now being held at.....(time & place).
Step 2
A reality show is organized. Auditions are held in public, online and on TV in every country. Contestants present their credentials, life-experience and ideas. They do not, repeat NOT, need to be experts, politicians, megalomaniacs, fanatics or celebrities. The audience votes them in, or not, after having heard them.
Step 3
The winning contestants are appointed Members of World Peace Parliament Number One and show up for work next day at the selected location. They receive only travelling expenses plus board and lodging for the duration of the session. They do not leave the premises until the WPPNO adjourns.
Step 4
Every day of the WPPNO is televised, published on the internet and broadcast in all languages. The public can send in questions and suggestions at all times. Discussions are held around a large round table. Lego bricks, drawing paper and crayons are supplied.
Step 5
A list is drawn up of all current conflicts in the world. Each MP makes their own list.
Step 6
After voting to determine which conflict should be resolved first, the MPs put forward their solutions and proposals. Brainstorming sessions continue as long as it takes.
Step 7
The WPPNO finds solutions to all conflicts on the list, one at a time. The solutions are transmitted to the relevant governments for implementation. Nobody refuses to implement them since they are irrefutably appropriate, feasible and brilliant and besides, the whole world is watching this show. Peace on earth reigns. WPPNO is adjourned and the contestants go home. WPP Number Two is set up with new contestants, just in case new conflicts arise in future.

Remember: you saw it here first!

May 13, 2003 6:40 PM

Arguing with N again. Alter-ego squabbling is worse than marital warfare. We have been known to throw crockery and not glue it back together again. She says I have no knowledge of current affairs or politics or the complexities of global interactions so how do I dare put my two cents in. I say I can put in two cents and even two million and there's nothing she can do to stop me. She says she can stop me by tearing up every single drawing of my stupid face and also switching off the computer. I say heh-heh I know how to turn on the computer and I can use the mouse to recreate myself. And so on it goes. But don't worry, I'm still here. I can't help it if my mind swoops and dives in so many directions, seeing so many links and patterns. That's what makes me so, imho, geniusish, whereas N plods along slavishly consulting 'experts' before venturing an opinion. Bah! What's an expert? Just somebody convinced they're right. But that's only their opinion. I'm an expert so I should know.

May 12, 2003 12:55 AM

THE AUGUSTINE INTERVIEW 3: Tony (now on new page)

May 9, 2003 7:28 PM

No sleep at all. Worried about Dubya's head: Is it all there? Does it need examining? Did I endanger myself by picking up its thoughtwaves? What if they're contagious? Do I need to build up my immune system? It says here - Independent Review section, May 5 - that Dr. Perricone advises eating salmon every day. Apparently it keeps Julia Roberts and J-Lo (whoever they are) young and beautiful though they're actually octogenarians. Just kidding. Being two-dimensional, I am going to stay young and beautiful forever with or without salmon. I can't guarantee the same for N, heh-heh. Time, for those bodies who are subject to it, increases width as it diminishes height. Whereas all I have to worry about is how to get the width and height of these pages to stay put - they keep on changing!

May 8, 2003 1:43 PM

Is modesty necessary in Blogworld? People use IMHO all the time but do they mean it? Does anyone ever have a humble opinion? All my opinions are - what's the opposite of humble? Arrogant? Boastful? Moi? Never. Just non-humble. What this is leading up to is: Chris Gulker , in his blog yesterday, again pointed out my greatness. And I'm advertising the fact here because, imho, he is right. Not just concerning me of course. The techie stuff he writes about mostly goes over my head but his comments and links on the state of the world are my cup of coffee. Now I'm being nagged by N who says that I'm digressing and that I should have a plan, a purpose for this blog. Typical. But she may have a point. I think I'll arrange some more interviews. 6:20 PM : George W.and Tony have agreed to let me ask them about God.

THE AUGUSTINE INTERVIEW 2: Dubya (now on new page)

May 7, 2003 9:48 PM

N says I haven't got the hang of this blogging business. She says it's supposed to be interactive so other bloggers can make comments and then you comment on their comments and so forth. But that's chatting and I don't do interactive chat. What I do most of the time is chat to myself. Well doesn't everybody? I thought that blogging was like talking to yourself in public. And that you choose to read those bloggers who are most similar to yourself or who have parallel views and interests. I don't know if that's true. I haven't begun to explore Blogworld yet. Should I set out on such a journey, equivalent to sailing round the world single handed in a rowboat? Now if I were interactive this would not be a rhetorical question. I will ask somebody how to obtain the thing that makes "Comments" appear at the bottom of your daily blog followed by "0".

May 6, 2003 6:51 PM

How's this for synchronicity: In the small hours of yesterday I wrote about the usefulness of junk mail. Later in the day in my favourite newspaper The Independent I beheld Terence Blacker's column, titled How spam helped me to meet Yellow Flower, describing the joy of sleazy e-mails and using the same examples as I do. OK, it's a coincidence but serendipitous enough to warrant an e-mail to Terence Blacker saying so. I asked if he'd read Koestler's The Roots of Coincidence. Today he replied, saying Should we get in touch with the Koestler Foundation? Tongue in cheek of course, but off I go Google-hopping and wouldn't you know, the URL for the Koestler Parapsychology Unit is: http://moebius.psy.ed.ac.uk/ . You see, heh-heh, the Moebius strip is my chosen symbol for the oneness of pastpresentfuture! On the left is the relevant page from Augustine'sTrue Confession

May 5, 2003 11:35 PM

Am preoccupied with this question: How low can you go if you keep on scrolling down the screen? Do you eventually reach the centre of the earth? The bottom of the ocean? A black hole? Is there a point where it says STOP! YOU CANNOT SCROLL ANY FURTHER? Which leads me to another question: if you keep linking one thing to another, do you eventually get back to your first link? Is there a limit to how many subjects you can link? How many years would one person need to spend surfing the net to link one topic with every other topic in the universe? And how would you decide which is the best link out of all possible links?

12:20 AM
An out-of-focus snap of me and she (I'm on the left) in a rare moment of camaraderie in her atelier in London. The green wheel is attached to her etching press, an antiquated machine operated by hand and backstrain to print.... yes, etchings! You wouldn't catch me using it since I've become adept at blogging and generally foolingaround on a Mac. Am trying to teach her to move into the 21st century but she still thinks there's something noble about getting your hands dirty. She doesn't even like writing e-mail and irrationally hates receiving junk mail. I find it rather informative. How else would you know that your penis can be enlarged immeasurably and kept up indefinitely by unlimited supplies of Viagra while your mortgage can be shrunk to nearly nothing and you can become a multi-billionaire simply by allowing various African dignitaries and their relatives to deposit their perfectly legitimate wealth into your bank account as long as you keep quiet about it? We've had about 30 such generous offers recently and I would have accepted them all but goodygoody kill-joy Miss N had to go and report them to something called 419 Fraud

May 4, 2003 3:36 PM

THE AUGUSTINE INTERVIEW 1: Vincent

Thank you for letting me interview you, Mr. VG. There follows a short break while I quietly sob.

May 1, 2003. Worker's Day. 3:12 PM

I'm not a worker, I'm a slave. My struggle is to get her to become my slave. Some day I will succeed. Great news this morning: I've been blogged by Chris Gulker . Instant fame already! In the dark ages before blogging and the internet this was me.
But now I can relax and let the adulation come. Everyone wants to be noticed (except spies, assorted wrong-doers etc.) but when people become celebrities, they want to be left alone! I avoid the problem by remaining nearly famous. No bodyguards, no doubles, no worries. I can go to the supermarket and not be mobbed. My autograph is only requested on credit card vouchers. What am I saying? Alter egos don't have credit cards. Speaking of fame, I sometimes wonder what my beloved Van Gogh would have done with it had it happened in his lifetime? H'mm..... Thismight be a good subject to cartoonify. While you're waiting, read Van Gogh's letters to his brother Theo.

April 30, 2003 12:39 PM

It's not easy being me. First of all I'm flat. I don't see the world as you so-called normal creatures do. I don't move unless I'm animated. But animation is an illusion. I knowthat I'm only a series of single frames and it's always NOW - no past, no future.

Last year I discovered that Julian Barbour, famous physicist, says the same in his brilliant book The End of Time .So I sent him my thoughts on this topic, the booklet Augustine & Time. He graciously replied, inviting Natalie to visit in Oxfordshire. I had considered illustrating his ideas my way and was very excited about becoming a cosmologist. But Nmessed things up as she often does when she doesn't listen to me. She sent him some sample illustrations, digitalclever stuff. Of course he wasn't impressed and anyway he's got other things on his mind. So that was the end of Time.

April 27, 2003 8:09 PM

My name is Augustine and this is my first blog. I am Natalie's alter egoist. She demanded that I put her index on my page to draw attention to herself but you don't have to be sidetracked unless you want to be. She's the ventriloquist and I'm the dummy. No! I'm the ventriloquist and she's the dummy. I intended my blog to be completely separate from her website and went to Blogger.com to try and set it up but you can't upload images on their free Blogspot and without images I'm invisible. I'm a cartoon character and I usually speak in bubbles, as is traditional in comics, but in my case it's because I don't have thoughts unless they are in bubbles. You're reading my thoughts now only because they're in this rectangular space. Why should speech bubbles always be round? Natalie believes she invented me but the truth is I invented her. Can I prove it? No. But a lot of things which are true can't be proved. And many things which we know to be false are assumed to be true. René Magritte's painting La Condition Humaine says it all.

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